someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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