Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
