What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
