Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
