yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
