Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize