She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Also, beer. Big fan.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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