Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
