i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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