I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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