i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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