I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize