She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
