I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
