I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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