3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
