Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
