I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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