I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
