i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
