he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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