I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
