Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize