A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
