let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
