I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
