The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
