sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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