why didn't you poke me back
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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