I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
