Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
