there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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