please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
