If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Never let your siblings swipe right.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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