How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
