anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
