There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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