his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
