these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize