I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
