Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
