Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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