I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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