How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
