Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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