Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
