I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
