Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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