Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
