found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
