Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
