Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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