3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
