So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
