Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
