You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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