I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
