You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
