Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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