I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
